How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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