The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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