You're so nebulous sometimes
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
