No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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