just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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