Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
