I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
