could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
