Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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