I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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