I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
