My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
