HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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