: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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