Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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