I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
