We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
