I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
