I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
