Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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