I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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