the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
