Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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