Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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