As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
