My friends, they love my intelligence
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
