3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
