It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
