I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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