Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
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