I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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