So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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