OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
