Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
