this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
