It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
