my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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