he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
