I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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