What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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