A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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