Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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