the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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