So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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