"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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