I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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