When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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