Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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