I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
