Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
